Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize