I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
