I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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