Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
