You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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