So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
