i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
