i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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