in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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