I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Text me some of your sweat
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