if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You took a bar mat shot.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
