Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
