there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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