the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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