my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
