mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
