I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize