what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
