how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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