I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
