i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
