Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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