Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
