I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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