If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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