My underwear smells like fireworks.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
