What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
