I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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