Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
