you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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