its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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