My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
