Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
