I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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