I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Is Oprah even human
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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