found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
