At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize