Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
