Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
