I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
did you just send me my own nude
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize