Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
