It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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