Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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