I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
