I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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