how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
