I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
