I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
