mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize