I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
