but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
