Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he thought i was a dude.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize