Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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