apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
