It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
