If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
