either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
