I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Let's get the cat blown out
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
