you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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