Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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