I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm passing your future prison.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
