.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
