you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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