Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
