i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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